How to Help Your Kid Deal with the Loss of Graduation

It was supposed to be the greatest semester of their lives. The last four years had landed your teen here, where their hard work was finally going to pay off—awards ceremonies, honors, graduation parties, and the earned right to slack off. There would be yearbooks, prom, future plans, graduation ceremonies—and now as a result of Coronavirus, these ceremonies are canceled. Seniors in both high school and college are experiencing the loss of graduation and associated celebrations as a result of social distancing efforts, and it has devastated many of them. How can we help our kids deal with the sudden loss of these earned celebrations and the opportunity to properly close one chapter to move onto the next?

“It’s difficult to think about moving onto another stage of our lives without attaining the same closure we had expected," says Madison Trafton, a senior at Irvington High School in Westchester.  Her classmate Bella Smith agrees. “I think the hardest part about this experience is that we didn’t know what was coming and I think a lot of us took the beginning of our senior year for granted.”

Brendon Hanson at Shaker Heights High School in Cleveland is crushed he won’t get to experience prom and graduation, which he considered the penultimate events of his senior year. “They were the things I most looked forward to since I never truly enjoyed school,” he laments. 

All over the country, seniors and their families are feeling a similar loss. We spoke to a few experts about how to cope. 

Acknowledge the Loss

Many psychologists agree that the best way to begin the process of healing is to admit and deal with the significant feelings caused by the cancellation of such a momentous occasion.

Think of it as the ending of a romantic relationship or friendship—when it was not by your choice, says Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown, licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Renewed Focus Psychology Services, aka Dr. Mel. “It’s devastating because you lack control over the situation and that sense of grief becomes exacerbated because there’s no way to experience what you thought was truly meant to be.”

First and foremost, seniors should realize that their sadness and resentment are completely normal, Colleen M. Jacobson, PhD, clinical psychologist and the chair of the psychology department at Iona College, says. She also suggests that many will go through the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and, finally, acceptance

One good way to process these extreme feelings, Dr. Mel says, is by expressing them: write in a journal; talk to a friend or a mental health professional. “They can’t just be pushed away or suppressed.” Also, trying to understand that everyone will react differently. “Don’t be influenced by how others are coping if it doesn’t fit you,” she notes.

Parents should let their kids know that their feelings are acceptable. “You have to say, yeah it’s really disappointing,” says Dr. Kathryn Smerling, a family psychiatrist on the Upper East Side. “Tell them what they’re feeling now makes complete and total sense,” Dr. Mel adds. “It’s also important to communicate that they can take whatever time and space they need to be able to manage these emotions.”

And parents should remember to stay in the moment. “Many parents don’t want to see their kids in pain, so they try to make it all better or suggest alternatives,” Dr. Mel says. Instead, they should “allow them to express whatever emotions they feel and validate the heck of them.” Also, don’t try to problem solve or help them to find a different perspective until they are ready to do so, Jacobson adds.

RELATED: How to Ease Anxiety for Kids During the Coronavirus