The Joys of Eating Inside

Barbecues are an easy way to entertain… said nobody who has hosted one, ever.


Last summer, after years of resisting, I decided to host a barbecue. I had resisted for two reasons. First, because my backyard, though large, is low-lying. When it rains, it becomes a lake of sorts and takes time to dry out. That meant we not only needed good weather on the day of the barbecue, but for the previous two days as well. That was a big risk that I never felt like taking. Second, because I did not trust my deck, attached to the second floor. It was old when we bought the house, and when the kids ran up or down the steps, the whole thing shook. I was pretty sure that wasn’t supposed to happen.

Then, my husband invited his new boss and his wife over for dinner. The idea, naturally enough, was to make friends with these people.

I imagined cooking all day, washing all the good dishes, having to clean the entire house. And who wants to turn on the oven in the summer? Suddenly, throwing food on a grill outside and using Chinet seemed so much easier.

This, of course, was idiotic. The whole business is not, in fact, easier than turning on the oven.

I asked my brother-in-law to come over and look at the deck. (He is a crane operator for the transit authority. This, obviously, made him an expert.) He pronounced it “fine.” My husband agreed. I invited three other families. May as well earn some brownie points with the neighbors while I was at it.

Two days before the big event it poured. The lake dried into pools, which evaporated into puddles, and finally a few random muddy spots the morning of the big event. I had half a cow worth of steaks, 87 marinating chicken breasts, and I don’t know how many flounders tucked into foil with fresh herbs. We pressed on.

The couple of the hour arrived. The wife—let’s call her Meg—was lovely. And vegan, it turned out. 

Crap, crap, crap. Even the potato salad had eggs. Would Meg have to nibble on kosher dills all afternoon?

I rallied. Haven’t we all heard that you can grill anything? I Googled “what vegans grill” and discovered it was all manner of fruit, as well as bread. Bread!
 

RELATED: 10 Tips for Cooking on the Grill

I emptied a can of peach halves onto a platter and drizzled them with orange juice. After microwaving a loaf of Italian bread I had in the freezer, I buttered it and sprinkled it with Parmesan—forgetting at the moment that the cheese would render it unfit for a vegan. As I handed the lot off to my husband to grill, one of my neighbors took me aside and whispered, “The chicken’s raw.” I told my husband that salmonella was a possibility.